Recovery Patterns
Recovery Patterns are a tool to help with our recovery
They help us identify new and healthier ways of behaving in our relationships with others and ourselves.
Denial Patterns
Codependents often... | In recovery... |
Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling | I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between my thoughts and feelings. |
Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel. | I embrace my feelings; they are valid and important. |
Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well- being of others | I know the difference between caring and care taking. I recognize that care taking others is often motivated by a need to benefit myself. |
Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. | I am able to feel compassion for another’s feelings and needs. |
Label others with their negative traits. | I acknowledge that I may own the negative traits I often perceive in others. |
Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others. | I acknowledge that I sometimes need the help of others. |
Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation. | I am aware of my painful feelings and express them appropriately. |
Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways. | I am able to express my feelings openly, directly, and calmly. |
Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted | I pursue intimate relationships only with others who want, and are able to engage in, healthy and loving relationships. |
Low Self-Esteem Patterns
Codependents often... | In recovery... |
Have difficulty making decisions. | I trust my ability to make effective decisions. |
Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. | I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection. |
Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. | I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive. |
Value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own. | I value the opinions of those I trust, without needing to gain their approval. I have confidence in myself. |
Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons. | I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person. |
Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than. | I seek my own approval first, and examine my motivations carefully when I seek approval from others. |
Have difficulty admitting a mistake. | I continue to take my personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it. |
Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good. | I am honest with myself about my behaviors and motivations. I feel secure enough to admit mistakes to myself and others, and to hear their opinions without feeling threatened. |
Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want. | I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate. |
Perceive themselves as superior to others. | I perceive myself as equal to others. |
Look to others to provide their sense of safety. | With the help of my Higher Power, I create safety in my life. |
Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. | I avoid procrastination by meeting my responsibilities in a timely manner. |
Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries. | I am able to establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries in my life. |
Compliance Patterns
Codependents often... | In recovery... |
Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. | I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals. |
Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. | I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry. |
Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want. | I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans. |
Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings. | I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings. |
Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. | I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately. |
Accept sexual attention when they want love. | My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. When I need to feel loved, I express my heart’s desires. I do not settle for sex without love. |
Make decisions without regard to the consequences. | I ask my Higher Power for guidance, and consider possible consequences before I make decisions. |
Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. | I stand in my truth and maintain my integrity, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life. |
Control Patterns
Codependents often... | In recovery... |
Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves. | I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. |
Attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel. | I accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others, even though I may not be comfortable with them. |
Freely offer advice and direction without being asked. | I give advice only when asked. |
Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice. | I am content to see others take care of themselves. |
Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence. | I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift. |
Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. | I embrace and celebrate my sexuality as evidence of my health and wholeness. I do not use it to gain the approval of others. |
Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others. | I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance. |
Demand that their needs be met by others. | I find and use resources that meet my needs without making demands on others. I ask for help when I need it, without expectation. |
Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate. | I behave authentically with others, allowing my caring and compassionate qualities to emerge. |
Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally. | I ask directly for what I want and need and trust the outcome to my Higher Power. I do not try to manipulate outcomes with blame or shame. |
Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. | I cooperate, compromise, and negotiate with others in a way that honors my integrity. |
Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. | I treat others with respect and consideration, and trust my Higher Power to meet my needs and desires. |
Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others. | I use my recovery for my own growth and not to manipulate or control others. |
Pretend to agree with others to get what they want. | My communication with others is authentic and truthful. |
Avoidance Patterns
Codependents often... | In recovery... |
Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them. | I act in ways that encourage loving and healthy responses from others. |
Judge harshly what others think, say, or do. | I keep an open mind and accept others as they are. |
Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance. | I engage in emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy when it is healthy and appropriate for me. |
Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships. | I practice my recovery to develop healthy and fulfilling relationships. |
Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. | I use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and deal appropriately with confrontations. |
Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery. | When I use the tools of recovery, I am able to develop and maintain healthy relationships of my choosing. |
Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. | I embrace my own vulnerability by trusting and honoring my feelings and needs. |
Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away. | I welcome close relationships while maintaining healthy boundaries. |
Refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves. | I believe in and trust a power greater than myself. I willingly surrender my self-will to my Higher Power. |
Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. | I honor my authentic emotions and share them when appropriate. |
Withhold expressions of appreciation. | I freely engage in expressions of appreciation toward others. |
The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.
Copyright © 2011 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. All rights reserved
Copyright © 2011 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. All rights reserved